Nefer-Titties

There's way too much coverage of all the bad things happening in Egypt. So as a way of breathing new life into this mummy of a blog (sorry for sleeping through all of 2010), I'm going to single-handedly revive Egypt's tourism.

Here's why you should squat in the Nile in 2011:

1. Egyptian actresses are more talented than their American counterparts. How the fuck did we get stuck with Ashley Judd, and they get to claim Poussi.
2. Ashley Judd isn't there. She's here. Behind you. And she's holding a copy of "Kiss the Girls". Here, for your safety, I'll link you to kayak so that you can hurry the fuck up and get away from her.
3. You can wear those harem pants that you bought at Marshall's for $10 on clearance, but didn't get a chance to wear them because Rachael Ray forbids them to be worn by her studio audience. [TIME OUT I was gonna pair them with a bolero. It would've looked nice. TIME IN]
4. You won't have to wait until Easter to watch The Ten Commandments on CBS. This is a tradition at my house. In 1998, I thought I was Moses because I turned my bathwater red. Turns out I was just shitting blood. (No I don't typically shit in the tub. I was expecting a fart.)
5. Hieroglyphics. History books ignore it, but Egyptians were the first people to WrItE LiKe Dis, LoLz.

Pizzette dela Castagna

Helena Bonham Carter, what in Vonda Shephard's holy name are you feeding this kid? She looks like she just swallowed Johnny Depp.

As a side note, when I get cast in the Hollywood remake of Cagney and Lacey, I totally want this little calzone acting along side me.

Procreation Fail

Hey Brad & Angie,

Nice work cloning Joe Pantoliano.

I Beeleeve I Ken Fliiiiii

R Kelly revealed he's illiterate. He shoulda spent more time shitting and less time pissing - the only time I read is when I'm rose-ing with my new copy of Cosmo.