Chest Acne in a Pizzeria: Kim Kardashian's Engagement

Last night I was enjoying some pizza with my best friend when he noticed what appeared to be a giant ruby on my cleavage. Shit was a giant pimple/ingrown hair! Because my shirt was too tight for me to button up and conceal, I tried popping it right at the table. Nothing came out and now that shit is so swollen it looks like my hearts coming out of my chest. See where I'm going here? Be patient.

At that very moment, Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian with a 20.5 carat ring (smaller than my titty pimple). The star of Kim & Moesha's Brother Play With a Brown Boomerang and Keeping Up with Eating Salads and Crying is going to become Kim Hump-frees. Nice work karma. That's the equivalent of me marrying someone whose last name is Eatsklondikebarsintheshower.

In related news, Maria Shriver's saga gets eclipsed as she once again gets screwed by a fat ass housekeeper. (Editor's Note: that's not a pair of sneezing pliers in the top right corner of the magazine cover, it's Maria).

The Obamas Meet [I Don't Know Their Last Name] ... White People?

I grew up in the Bronx, so I know a thing or two about matching your entire outfit to your sneakers. When you grow up poor your only option is to lie to your friends about how much money your parents have, and then spend the little bit that they do have on shit that matches the swoosh on your new kicks. So, since real recognizes real, I was very impressed when I saw that Michelle Obama matched her entire outfit to the Buckingham Palace.


Kate Middleton put on her cold-oatmeal-finest to meet the President and First Lady, but I like to imagine that as Michelle strutted into that room, her dress sounded like this: "TAKE. THAT. Y'ALL. NASTY. MOTHA. FUCKAS!"

Tickle Tickle My Vagina

Every 5 years or so a song comes out that really changes the way we see the world.

1. Let It Be - The Beatles
2. Redemption Song - Bob Marley & the Wailers
3. With or Without You - U2
4. Somebody to Love - Jefferson Airplane
5. Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen
6. My Neck, My Back - Khia

I could go on for days.

But frankly, I'm not satisfied with the representation of black music on this list. The important role played by African-Americans in the history of music has always been overshadowed by prejudice. In an effort to bridge the racial divide, I am nominating the following song to be inducted into the list of the 100 Greatest Songs of All Time.

Buen Provecho Putas!

Someone Made a Store Just For Me...

Food Emporium, Food Emporium

In news that is only surprising to white people, hair weaves and extensions are the target of recent heists.

This is my surprised face. Ready?


White people, get your fucking heads out of the ranch dressing!! Fake hair is not only glamorous, and elegant, SHIT IS EXPENSIVE! Have you ever seen a black girl scratch her head? Of course you haven't! Black women are smart and they know not to fuck with the fragility of a weave. If that shit falls out, noone's gonna believe their claims that they are 1/19 Cherokee. Black girls patented the "Black Girl Pat" to get rid of that itchiness. And I thank them for it every day, because I stay classy by patting my toto when I'm at work.

Disclaimer: Not a single white person reads my blog.