Clitoris Leachman

Remember how I said my favorite character on Facts of Life was Tootie on rollerskates? I lied. It was Beverly, played by the grand poobah of GILFs, Cloris Varicose Leachman.

I've followed her career for an odd 25 years or so. Relax Dad, this is normal for dudes my age. Besides, you were never home.

Anyway, Cloris went on to play everyone's favorite drunk grandma in the movie Spanglish. That shit was the performance of a lifetime. She sings showtunes to her ambiguous grandson. Goddamnit I'm in the wrong family!

Now Clorita is shaking her old lady FUPA for all you f'ing losers that watch Dancing With the Stars. (Editor's Note: The Editor would liked to have watched last night's season premiere but it conflicted with Gossip Girl and Prison Break). All you necrophiliacs, feast your eyes on this:

Happy Twenty-FLEKKKK Martha Jane

[Sung to the tune of Paper Planes]

She eat egg sammies, rock an octogenarian's name
If you hear weak knees creak you got Jane on the brain
If you turnin' 25, grab a bottle of champagne
Meet her outside in the Salleee limousine

Sometimes she feel like splitting Rice Krispie treats
When she wrestle with Biz on Bagel Friday she get cream cheese on her feets
Her teams a winner, now we're making that claim
Not the data entry, the crew that's led by Graeme

All she wanna do is (LENCH LENCH LENCH)
And (PASTRAMI!)
And turn 20-flek

Feeding Apple Sauce to Justine Batemen

I'm going to say two things before I have to go rescue my bagel from the toaster.

1) Entonces, tengo un buen accento.

2) Juliette Lewis, I saw you on the Ashley Paige show. NICE FUCKIN WORK!!!

Pearl Up In Your Windowsill

I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and hated it. America Ferrera, I hope you choke on a fucking empanada.

In other news - I fucking loved Pineapple Express. As if a cameo by Rosie Lady Perez playing a cop gone bad wasn't enough there was even a scene where James Franco is enjoying himself by watching an episode of the ORIGINAL Sex & the City, 227.

227 was the hottest show in the '80s. I still sit at my windowsill and pretend I'm Pearl. Anyway, today also happens to be Jackée Harry's birthday. Jackée, hearing you say "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY" every episode made my tits grow faster. I love you mami.