Shouldn't Have Left You, Without a Dope Beat to Step To

Last night's American Idol made my prosciutto purse drop a few quarters. And I mean that both in the vaginacious and literal sense—I voted for Kris Allen about 200 times. You know I'm gonna call Verizon to dispute any charges and tell them that Ashley Judd stole my phone.

Anyway, if you're following Idol you know that the favorite to win is Kris Kardashian's fat sister, Madam Lambert. Bitch ain't my favorite. I like sad white boys who sing, enter: Kris Allen. The problem is, Kris hasn't been consistent this season. If there's anything Paula Abdul craves, it's consistency - she hates when her morphine coolatta's are lumpy like Simon's American Apparel deep v's.

I'll admit, I felt bad for Danny Gokey. I wish I could hate him the way his clothes hate his body, but it's too hard. Last night, when he took the stage in his Ann Taylor Loft finest to belt out "You Are So Beautiful to Me" one last time, all 88 million viewers assumed he was paying tribute to his late wife. I got the insider scoop though - he was singing to Kara DioGuardi's ferocious jaw, because you know he was gonna need that piranha to chew him out of his stone-washed leggings.

One last note: Kris, you're obviously my pick to win. Just do me a solid and when you sing, stop moving your mouth the way I move my lower body while I'm trying to hold in a fart on the treadmill.

Clitoris Leachman

Remember how I said my favorite character on Facts of Life was Tootie on rollerskates? I lied. It was Beverly, played by the grand poobah of GILFs, Cloris Varicose Leachman.

I've followed her career for an odd 25 years or so. Relax Dad, this is normal for dudes my age. Besides, you were never home.

Anyway, Cloris went on to play everyone's favorite drunk grandma in the movie Spanglish. That shit was the performance of a lifetime. She sings showtunes to her ambiguous grandson. Goddamnit I'm in the wrong family!

Now Clorita is shaking her old lady FUPA for all you f'ing losers that watch Dancing With the Stars. (Editor's Note: The Editor would liked to have watched last night's season premiere but it conflicted with Gossip Girl and Prison Break). All you necrophiliacs, feast your eyes on this:

Happy Twenty-FLEKKKK Martha Jane

[Sung to the tune of Paper Planes]

She eat egg sammies, rock an octogenarian's name
If you hear weak knees creak you got Jane on the brain
If you turnin' 25, grab a bottle of champagne
Meet her outside in the Salleee limousine

Sometimes she feel like splitting Rice Krispie treats
When she wrestle with Biz on Bagel Friday she get cream cheese on her feets
Her teams a winner, now we're making that claim
Not the data entry, the crew that's led by Graeme

All she wanna do is (LENCH LENCH LENCH)
And (PASTRAMI!)
And turn 20-flek

Feeding Apple Sauce to Justine Batemen

I'm going to say two things before I have to go rescue my bagel from the toaster.

1) Entonces, tengo un buen accento.

2) Juliette Lewis, I saw you on the Ashley Paige show. NICE FUCKIN WORK!!!