"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month!

"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month! is the most popular feature on this blog (in Uruguay). Sorry for being such a lazy shit when it comes to bestowing this honor—I can assure it was not for lack of nominees. I mean, off the top of my head we have:

1. Osama bin Laden's 17th wife, Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah (known as 'Tiny' to her friends and through her graffiti.)
2. Arnold's sidepiece, but I gave that bitch way too much publicity with yesterday's post.
3. Pippa Middleton, sister-in-law to Prince William. (She almost won, but then I found out she's British, which immediately disqualified her. I'm still not speaking to the UK since they flung caca at us in the shape of Russell Brand.)

So without further ado...

"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month! May 2011 goes to...

Drita MOTHAFUCKIN D'Avanzo, star of VH1's Mob Wives, and most famous Albanian since... well, me.

Here's a picture of her reaction to the win:

Terminator 4: Whathadhappenedwas

I'm always jealous when a latina woman sits next to me on the train wearing her teenage daughter's clothes and eats a slice of garlic bread from the cuban bakery on 231st street at 7am. Now Maria Shriver will suffer that burning envy that stings like Jennifer Lopez perfume in the eye, and aches like chinese sequin slippers pinching on a Puerto Rican flag pedicure, because Arnold's mistress has been revealed. I hereby unveil, Luz Clarita de Eufemia Los Santos Maria Hostos Community College Ecumi Yancy Estanga Altagracia-Schwarzenegger:


Maria, if only your eyebrows were as sharp as your other facial features, you might have been able to keep your man.

Kara DioGuardi's Piranha Jaw Is Not Smiling

Bristol Palin asserts that she underwent "corrective jaw surgery". Don't worry Bristol, I believe you. That eye roll that you see me doing isn't sarcasm—it's caused by the neck fat that I still have hanging from my fucking face.

Either way, congratulations on upgrading your look from Jon Lovitz to Snooki.

Nefer-Titties

There's way too much coverage of all the bad things happening in Egypt. So as a way of breathing new life into this mummy of a blog (sorry for sleeping through all of 2010), I'm going to single-handedly revive Egypt's tourism.

Here's why you should squat in the Nile in 2011:

1. Egyptian actresses are more talented than their American counterparts. How the fuck did we get stuck with Ashley Judd, and they get to claim Poussi.
2. Ashley Judd isn't there. She's here. Behind you. And she's holding a copy of "Kiss the Girls". Here, for your safety, I'll link you to kayak so that you can hurry the fuck up and get away from her.
3. You can wear those harem pants that you bought at Marshall's for $10 on clearance, but didn't get a chance to wear them because Rachael Ray forbids them to be worn by her studio audience. [TIME OUT I was gonna pair them with a bolero. It would've looked nice. TIME IN]
4. You won't have to wait until Easter to watch The Ten Commandments on CBS. This is a tradition at my house. In 1998, I thought I was Moses because I turned my bathwater red. Turns out I was just shitting blood. (No I don't typically shit in the tub. I was expecting a fart.)
5. Hieroglyphics. History books ignore it, but Egyptians were the first people to WrItE LiKe Dis, LoLz.