Last night's American Idol made my prosciutto purse drop a few quarters. And I mean that both in the vaginacious and literal sense—I voted for Kris Allen about 200 times. You know I'm gonna call Verizon to dispute any charges and tell them that Ashley Judd stole my phone.
Anyway, if you're following Idol you know that the favorite to win is Kris Kardashian's fat sister, Madam Lambert. Bitch ain't my favorite. I like sad white boys who sing, enter: Kris Allen. The problem is, Kris hasn't been consistent this season. If there's anything Paula Abdul craves, it's consistency - she hates when her morphine coolatta's are lumpy like Simon's American Apparel deep v's.
I'll admit, I felt bad for Danny Gokey. I wish I could hate him the way his clothes hate his body, but it's too hard. Last night, when he took the stage in his Ann Taylor Loft finest to belt out "You Are So Beautiful to Me" one last time, all 88 million viewers assumed he was paying tribute to his late wife. I got the insider scoop though - he was singing to Kara DioGuardi's ferocious jaw, because you know he was gonna need that piranha to chew him out of his stone-washed leggings.
One last note: Kris, you're obviously my pick to win. Just do me a solid and when you sing, stop moving your mouth the way I move my lower body while I'm trying to hold in a fart on the treadmill.
