Clitoris Leachman

Remember how I said my favorite character on Facts of Life was Tootie on rollerskates? I lied. It was Beverly, played by the grand poobah of GILFs, Cloris Varicose Leachman.

I've followed her career for an odd 25 years or so. Relax Dad, this is normal for dudes my age. Besides, you were never home.

Anyway, Cloris went on to play everyone's favorite drunk grandma in the movie Spanglish. That shit was the performance of a lifetime. She sings showtunes to her ambiguous grandson. Goddamnit I'm in the wrong family!

Now Clorita is shaking her old lady FUPA for all you f'ing losers that watch Dancing With the Stars. (Editor's Note: The Editor would liked to have watched last night's season premiere but it conflicted with Gossip Girl and Prison Break). All you necrophiliacs, feast your eyes on this:

Happy Twenty-FLEKKKK Martha Jane

[Sung to the tune of Paper Planes]

She eat egg sammies, rock an octogenarian's name
If you hear weak knees creak you got Jane on the brain
If you turnin' 25, grab a bottle of champagne
Meet her outside in the Salleee limousine

Sometimes she feel like splitting Rice Krispie treats
When she wrestle with Biz on Bagel Friday she get cream cheese on her feets
Her teams a winner, now we're making that claim
Not the data entry, the crew that's led by Graeme

All she wanna do is (LENCH LENCH LENCH)
And (PASTRAMI!)
And turn 20-flek