Tracy Morgan: Not as Gay as His Name

World-famous lesbian Meredith Baxter Birney is putting extra Dep hair gel on her spikes today and she's running head first at Tracy Morgan's chocolate titties.  This happened once before, but Tracy used Tina Fey as a human shield and that's why she has that scar on her lip.

 
Brian Fellows' alter ego is under fire for his anti-gay tirade at a recent show in Nashville. Great idea Tracy! Did you know Nashville is home to Dolly Fuckin' Parton? Of course her people are not gonna laugh at gay jokes. For an encore, you should probably go to Haiti and talk shit about Harriet Tubman.

Everyone knows that if you have anything offensive to say, you start a fucking anonymous blog.

Anyway, as a way to honor the 4 gay/only people that ready my blog (Ashley Judd, Lauren Peddicord, Yolanda Vega and Amber from Teen Mom), I leave you with the following:

Dear Anthony Weiner

I know people are giving you mad shit about your online sexcapades, but I for one would like to salute you the way your beef sword salutes your tight grey panties.
First of all, I don't think you're getting enough props for your girth. I mean, you look like a fuckin' cockroach and you're built like linguini on a hanger, so I sure as hell didn't expect you to be packin' anything other than your big Gargamel nose.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for providing me with a photo that I can pass around as my own. You know, since 1996 I have had my fair share of online romances; AOL chatrooms were the easiest way to get laid back then especially because noone had a digital camera so you had to wait until they showed up on your first date at Bronx Seafood Factory to find out if they were ugly. And even if you were ugly, no Bronx bitch is gonna turn down free seafood! Nowadays everyone demands pictures of every orifice before they will meet you at Dallas BBQ's for a frozen margarita.

Pink's Poonani Popped!

From one pregnant dude to another, I'd like to congratulate Pink on the birth of her daughter, Willow Sage Hart. When I finally give birth to my bar food (it helped the bourbon go down last night), I'll name her Pillow Size Fart.

Is it just me or did it seem like P!nk was pregnant forever? Good thing the timer popped up on her turkey because bitch was starting to look like Ursula from Little Mermaid.
How Pink managed to squeeze a baby out of her peen is a mystery to me and an inspiration to Khloe Kardashian who was at the last-standing Blockbuster trying to rent a VHS of Junior for research when she heard the news. The other day I was trying to make a poop and I swear I thought my ass ripped, so I can only imagine how Emily Valentine's little brother managed the pain. She probably picked off her skater boy husband's scabs as a distraction.

Both of Willow's parents are handsome, so that means the kid could either be beautiful or Rumer Willis.

People I Wouldn't Eat Scrambled Eggs With

Scrambled eggs are delicious. I will eat them off a plate... I will eat them off my elbow... Fuck, I will even eat them off of Angela Lansbury. The thing about scrambled eggs though, is that they make your upper lip smell funk-ay for a few hours after you eat them; much like pizza, egg noodles and Ms. Angela Lansbury. Try to imagine the face you make when you smell your upper lip. It's a pucker with a furled brow. That's the same face you make when the condom breaks AND when you see someone ugly (one and the same for most of you). That is why I am introducing a new feature on Fat Bad Baby known as 'People I Wouldn't Eat Scrambled Eggs With', ugly people.

It is my dishonor to present you with our first person I wouldn't eat scrambled eggs with; a woman who looks like she just woke up and ate some off of her tits while laying in bed, Lady Chelsea Handler.
Sidenote: Sometimes, after I eat scrambled eggs, I look for a latina friend and borrow some of the fruity lotions YOU KNOW she is carrying in her Coach bag and I dab a little on my upper lip. (Pear Glace is mad classy.)