Clitoris Leachman

Remember how I said my favorite character on Facts of Life was Tootie on rollerskates? I lied. It was Beverly, played by the grand poobah of GILFs, Cloris Varicose Leachman.

I've followed her career for an odd 25 years or so. Relax Dad, this is normal for dudes my age. Besides, you were never home.

Anyway, Cloris went on to play everyone's favorite drunk grandma in the movie Spanglish. That shit was the performance of a lifetime. She sings showtunes to her ambiguous grandson. Goddamnit I'm in the wrong family!

Now Clorita is shaking her old lady FUPA for all you f'ing losers that watch Dancing With the Stars. (Editor's Note: The Editor would liked to have watched last night's season premiere but it conflicted with Gossip Girl and Prison Break). All you necrophiliacs, feast your eyes on this:

Happy Twenty-FLEKKKK Martha Jane

[Sung to the tune of Paper Planes]

She eat egg sammies, rock an octogenarian's name
If you hear weak knees creak you got Jane on the brain
If you turnin' 25, grab a bottle of champagne
Meet her outside in the Salleee limousine

Sometimes she feel like splitting Rice Krispie treats
When she wrestle with Biz on Bagel Friday she get cream cheese on her feets
Her teams a winner, now we're making that claim
Not the data entry, the crew that's led by Graeme

All she wanna do is (LENCH LENCH LENCH)
And (PASTRAMI!)
And turn 20-flek

Feeding Apple Sauce to Justine Batemen

I'm going to say two things before I have to go rescue my bagel from the toaster.

1) Entonces, tengo un buen accento.

2) Juliette Lewis, I saw you on the Ashley Paige show. NICE FUCKIN WORK!!!

Pearl Up In Your Windowsill

I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and hated it. America Ferrera, I hope you choke on a fucking empanada.

In other news - I fucking loved Pineapple Express. As if a cameo by Rosie Lady Perez playing a cop gone bad wasn't enough there was even a scene where James Franco is enjoying himself by watching an episode of the ORIGINAL Sex & the City, 227.

227 was the hottest show in the '80s. I still sit at my windowsill and pretend I'm Pearl. Anyway, today also happens to be Jackée Harry's birthday. Jackée, hearing you say "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY" every episode made my tits grow faster. I love you mami.

If You Need Me This Weekend

I'll be wearing a pair of jeans that I bought at Express in 2002 and doing this...
PS. America Ferrera, you look like you just woke up. Watch your back - Iman might replace you in the 3rd installment. Dick.

PPS. For those of you who luckily stumbled upon this blog - I'm not a girl. I'm a 26 year old man. A 26 year old man who has spent the last 48 hours watching Popular on DVD.

All You Ladies Pop Yo P*ssies Like This

I started writing a screenplay 15 minutes ago - it's kinda biographical.

If I die before this shit is made into this movies it's up to you guys to make sure I'm portrayed by James Franco or Swoozie Kurtz (you fuckers better get Swoozie!!!).

Here's the rest of the cast, in no particular order:

Ricky - Any female lead from Days of Our Lives or Vanessa Anne Hudgens
Liz - Nandini Rao, if she's not available for some godawful reason, Franka Potente
Martha - James Earl Jones; he has weak knees too!
Jen - A bottle of cough syrup
Sarah LADY Sallee - Phylicia DUTCHESS Rashad
Nandini Rao - Charlize Theron
Lauryn - The black lady with the lisp from Pine-Sol commercials
Mona - I don't have any actors in mind, but I'll roll over in my fucking grave if they cast that slutbag CUNT Ashley Judd.

Time to Come Clean

I'd like to tell the world, and O'Hare International Airport, that it was Jim Milton that fat-lady trouser coughed at approximately 6pm on June 24th at Gate 6.

Jim, it smelled like burnt hooker twat on the Atlantic City Jitney.

Ok, I feel better.

Birthday Cake Bender

I feel like Park Overall's hand after a thumb war with Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Also, please dont forget to email Mona Chaudhuri and congratulate her on Liz and I being in a relationship. If she doesn't answer her email, just head over to the corner of Spring and Varick and yell "Clamaaaaaaaaaaato and vodka", she'll pop up like a fart in a pool.

FYI Angela Luongo, I'm coming to use your pool at about 8:30. And yes, I'm bringing my bottle of vodka.

Exotic Car Shows in Fast Food Parking Lots

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana.

"Pube In My Keyboard" of the Month!

This guy sat across from me on the 1 train. It was like looking in a mirror at Mandee's.

You know this guy eats dinner at table made from hard boiled eggs!

Laughing Cow Cheese and Val Kilmer (Alternate Title: Why I'm Muslim)

Your Body is Made of Marzipan

Below you will find a picture of that crazy bitch who ran over and killed a Red Sox fan outside a bar in Massachusetts. Tell me this hoe does not look like John Mayer.

I can almost hear the scissor slapping in her cell.

Here's a photo of the other lesbian that kills people ... with her shitty music.

Dear Jenny Aniston,

I know you read my shit - so pay attention.

J. Mayer will kill you.

Love,

B

How to Make Love Like a Juggernaut - A Cautionary Tale

I hope you bitches are excited - I am going to have A LOT of free time on hands this summer [read: I was fired from my job.] This means you’re going to be getting lots of updates, and they may even offer something more intellectual than the dry corned beef I usually dole out.

I guess I can finally disclose the name of my former employer, but here’s why I won’t. My good friend, Elizabeth [Miss Deli Meat Hair Conditioner 2008], does a daily media report for the company, in which she circulates a list of “honorable mentions” of the company throughout the blogosphere. I don’t want to embarrass her – I love her and she’s already dealing with the loss of her most adored colleague. Send her your condolences via Mona Chaudhuri. Mona is what you get when you throw Hilary from Fresh Prince in a dryer with a bottle of vodka and a prom dress. God love her.

Here’s what I did on Day 1 of Love in a Severance Elevator:

1) Sorted through my denim collection. My mom jeans went to the “Big Brothers, Big Sisters” bin in Hartsdale, NY. I hope they really mean big.
2) Realized too late that I should've also donated the 1000 t-shirts I got from previous employer. Instead, donated them to the teenagers running a car wash down the block. 8/7/07 all up on your muffler.
3) Gifted some iTunes to deserving friends. LB got “Ven, Ven Conmigo”, by the incomparable Joey Lawrence. Whoa.
4) Picked up a pizza pie for lunch with brother and mom. Dude at counter asked if it was to stay or to go. I walked home.
5) Facebook stalked. When they add the “Who’s Viewed Your Profile” application, I’m fucked. Til then, I’ll be microwaving hot dogs and enjoying your Dad & Ann's Wedding photo album.
6) Took apart rusted shower caddy. It was too hard to disassemble, so I threw it on the floor and stormed off in the opposite direction. Your mental image is spot on.

"Pube In My Keyboard" of the Month!

Amy Smart pretending to be me!

Wet Umbrellas

Courtney Love has the life I want.

When I was 8 years old, my cousin Hank and I stole a shopping cart from Pioneer supermarket and took it back to our house. I got in the cart, cuz if we stood any chance at getting away with that crime I could not be on my feet - that, and I was the only bandit to resemble a frozen turkey. My point is, I definitely did not look as glamorous or eloquent as C. Love. I mean, I didn't even have a cigarette between my toes.

Airport Farts and Other Sundries

I have no material here - just liked the title.

Black Barbie Dressed in Bulgari

I am legally obligated to not tell you where I work. But if curiosity gets the best of you, you can ask my friend Mona [mona.chaudhuri@gmail.com].

Inspiration: Crotchless Sundresses

One of my best friends of all time, and all-around hot bitch, Liz Hall has gotten back to blogging. You may know Liz from the trillion posts I've done on her. Liz and I are both sporadic bloggers and very recently she's gotten back into the swing of things. Now I have no problem admitting that I ride on her coattail - and this is not a reference to her dressing in men's clothing. What I'm saying is, Liz has influenced my life in many ways. Let's take a deeper look (twss):

1) duct tape - it was the winter of '05 and liz broke out linen pants. after growing tired of dragging her summer gear through brown snow, she ripped off two squares of duct tape to create a quick hem. i immediately bought a roll of duct tape and shoved it in my pants to look like i have a bigger dick.

next.

2) chuck taylors - spring of '05. liz purchases gray chucks and one yellow raincoat. i immediately go out and purchase "under the tuscan sun" and a pair in burgundy.

keep it comin.

3) vodka - june '81 to present. liz drinks said vodka with gatorade. i take vodka bottle and shove it in my pants to look like i have a bigger dick. it's mistaken for a gargantuan clit.

lady marmalade.

Rayanne Graff... No Relation to Laurie

Look, I don't know the direction of this blog. I basically throw shit at you and hope it sticks. If you laugh a little, great, if not, I hope you still think I'm a strong black woman.

Today is A.J. Langer's 34th birthday. If you're a fan of my blog, you've noticed that I like celebrating C-List birthdays. I also like crazy white alcoholic bitches [ pronounced Rosalie]. So there you have it.

I spent the entire summer of 2004 watching My So-Called Life reruns on Noggin at 11pm EST, so you best believe that I'm going to congratulate Rayanne "Get Me a Bottle... Anything Brown" Graff on her beating the odds and making it past 30. Fuck, I hope I make it past 30. I eat massive amounts of cheese and I crush vodka. I think I also have menopause.

Anyway, from time to time you'll see birthday updates and tributes to strong independent black women. That's my blog, so suck it. Speaking of strong black independent women, my girl Laurie Graff has a book coming out this fall. Check her out here.

Iman

I'm so sick of Hollywood overlooking Iman when casting many of today's leading roles. Sit there and try and think of one movie that Iman would not have dominated. No seriously, sit there. I'm going to go shotgun a pudding while you let your thoughts marinate.

Ok, I'm back. Let's pick up where we left off. In highschool I went on the Atkin's diet, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day and had memberships at two tanning salons on opposite ends of the Bronx. I wanted my charred skin to hang off my back like a gossamer gown - that was my motivation for eating steaks and butter with one hand and a cigarette in the other. I did this because I looked fuckin' hot, but also to protest the gross injustice that was casting Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.

Iman knows math. Iman likes apples. Iman's Somalian accent definitely sounds Bostonian. But leaving to that fucking dwarf to get the role. What does this mean? Ladies and gentleman, Hollywood is a racist town.

Word of the Day

Sheika-shay (verb): to timbaland beat out yo ass

Example:

"Claudiene, did you sheika-shay? It smell like broccoli and dead walrus!"

Miss Deli Meat Hair Conditioner 2008

My aggro colleague, Elizabeth Rita Tutschek.

"Pube In My Keyboard" of the Month!

Cheryl "Coko" Clemons!

Together with Tamara "Taj" Johnson-George and Leanne "Lelee" Lyons, Cheryl formed the iconic group SWV "Sisters With Voices".

I can still remember sitting on the stoop in front of my building and jamming out to their Christmas album in June, while feasting on a quarter water and Jamaican beef pattie! That shit was delicious.

Happy 42nd Mindy Cohn!

Mindy played Natalie on Facts of Life. She's also my best friend/I look like her.

Facts of Life is responsible for the woman I am today. Most boys were outside scoring touchdowns in softball and my ass was sitting in front of the tv waiting for Tootie to roller skate across the screen.

Keep it tight Mrs. Garrett!

Milk, Milk, Lemonade...