Birthday Cake Bender

I feel like Park Overall's hand after a thumb war with Meredith Baxter-Birney.

Also, please dont forget to email Mona Chaudhuri and congratulate her on Liz and I being in a relationship. If she doesn't answer her email, just head over to the corner of Spring and Varick and yell "Clamaaaaaaaaaaato and vodka", she'll pop up like a fart in a pool.

FYI Angela Luongo, I'm coming to use your pool at about 8:30. And yes, I'm bringing my bottle of vodka.

Exotic Car Shows in Fast Food Parking Lots

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana,

Ey, Gucci Bandanna, Gucci, Gucci Bandana.

"Pube In My Keyboard" of the Month!

This guy sat across from me on the 1 train. It was like looking in a mirror at Mandee's.

You know this guy eats dinner at table made from hard boiled eggs!

Laughing Cow Cheese and Val Kilmer (Alternate Title: Why I'm Muslim)

Your Body is Made of Marzipan

Below you will find a picture of that crazy bitch who ran over and killed a Red Sox fan outside a bar in Massachusetts. Tell me this hoe does not look like John Mayer.

I can almost hear the scissor slapping in her cell.

Here's a photo of the other lesbian that kills people ... with her shitty music.

Dear Jenny Aniston,

I know you read my shit - so pay attention.

J. Mayer will kill you.

Love,

B

How to Make Love Like a Juggernaut - A Cautionary Tale

I hope you bitches are excited - I am going to have A LOT of free time on hands this summer [read: I was fired from my job.] This means you’re going to be getting lots of updates, and they may even offer something more intellectual than the dry corned beef I usually dole out.

I guess I can finally disclose the name of my former employer, but here’s why I won’t. My good friend, Elizabeth [Miss Deli Meat Hair Conditioner 2008], does a daily media report for the company, in which she circulates a list of “honorable mentions” of the company throughout the blogosphere. I don’t want to embarrass her – I love her and she’s already dealing with the loss of her most adored colleague. Send her your condolences via Mona Chaudhuri. Mona is what you get when you throw Hilary from Fresh Prince in a dryer with a bottle of vodka and a prom dress. God love her.

Here’s what I did on Day 1 of Love in a Severance Elevator:

1) Sorted through my denim collection. My mom jeans went to the “Big Brothers, Big Sisters” bin in Hartsdale, NY. I hope they really mean big.
2) Realized too late that I should've also donated the 1000 t-shirts I got from previous employer. Instead, donated them to the teenagers running a car wash down the block. 8/7/07 all up on your muffler.
3) Gifted some iTunes to deserving friends. LB got “Ven, Ven Conmigo”, by the incomparable Joey Lawrence. Whoa.
4) Picked up a pizza pie for lunch with brother and mom. Dude at counter asked if it was to stay or to go. I walked home.
5) Facebook stalked. When they add the “Who’s Viewed Your Profile” application, I’m fucked. Til then, I’ll be microwaving hot dogs and enjoying your Dad & Ann's Wedding photo album.
6) Took apart rusted shower caddy. It was too hard to disassemble, so I threw it on the floor and stormed off in the opposite direction. Your mental image is spot on.