Bump-It's & Bumper Cars

The poster child for Orangina, Ed Hardy-scented feminine deodorant spray, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and, retarded people, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was arrested for hitting a cop car while filming the upcoming season of Jersey Shore in Italy. The unfortunate news is, she was in a car. I was hoping she hit it with the giant black airbag sprouting from her forehead.

Here's a photo of everyone's favorite troll that lives under a bridge leaving her apartment before the accident:


That's actually a photo of Deena who almost fell to her death amidst a crowd of reporters who look very eager to help her. I guess someone threw a used condom past her and she played fetch.

Boys Don't Cry... They Jet Ski

Fat Bad Baby's west coast correspondent, Tamieka, was on assignment in Hawaii when she happened upon Hillary Swank and Meghan Fox rubbing on each other's chonies in the water. She immediately snapped a photo with the T-Mobile Sidekick I LENT to her. ('Mieka, if you are reading this, that shit is not yours to keep!)


UPDATE: Tamieka, my former west coast correspondent, has ruined my chance at winning a Pulitzer (and her opportunity to flex a Sidekick at her aunt's Memorial Day BBQ this weekend) with her negligent journalism. The aforementioned photo is of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.

Chest Acne in a Pizzeria: Kim Kardashian's Engagement

Last night I was enjoying some pizza with my best friend when he noticed what appeared to be a giant ruby on my cleavage. Shit was a giant pimple/ingrown hair! Because my shirt was too tight for me to button up and conceal, I tried popping it right at the table. Nothing came out and now that shit is so swollen it looks like my hearts coming out of my chest. See where I'm going here? Be patient.

At that very moment, Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian with a 20.5 carat ring (smaller than my titty pimple). The star of Kim & Moesha's Brother Play With a Brown Boomerang and Keeping Up with Eating Salads and Crying is going to become Kim Hump-frees. Nice work karma. That's the equivalent of me marrying someone whose last name is Eatsklondikebarsintheshower.

In related news, Maria Shriver's saga gets eclipsed as she once again gets screwed by a fat ass housekeeper. (Editor's Note: that's not a pair of sneezing pliers in the top right corner of the magazine cover, it's Maria).

The Obamas Meet [I Don't Know Their Last Name] ... White People?

I grew up in the Bronx, so I know a thing or two about matching your entire outfit to your sneakers. When you grow up poor your only option is to lie to your friends about how much money your parents have, and then spend the little bit that they do have on shit that matches the swoosh on your new kicks. So, since real recognizes real, I was very impressed when I saw that Michelle Obama matched her entire outfit to the Buckingham Palace.


Kate Middleton put on her cold-oatmeal-finest to meet the President and First Lady, but I like to imagine that as Michelle strutted into that room, her dress sounded like this: "TAKE. THAT. Y'ALL. NASTY. MOTHA. FUCKAS!"

Tickle Tickle My Vagina

Every 5 years or so a song comes out that really changes the way we see the world.

1. Let It Be - The Beatles
2. Redemption Song - Bob Marley & the Wailers
3. With or Without You - U2
4. Somebody to Love - Jefferson Airplane
5. Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen
6. My Neck, My Back - Khia

I could go on for days.

But frankly, I'm not satisfied with the representation of black music on this list. The important role played by African-Americans in the history of music has always been overshadowed by prejudice. In an effort to bridge the racial divide, I am nominating the following song to be inducted into the list of the 100 Greatest Songs of All Time.

Buen Provecho Putas!

Someone Made a Store Just For Me...

Food Emporium, Food Emporium

In news that is only surprising to white people, hair weaves and extensions are the target of recent heists.

This is my surprised face. Ready?


White people, get your fucking heads out of the ranch dressing!! Fake hair is not only glamorous, and elegant, SHIT IS EXPENSIVE! Have you ever seen a black girl scratch her head? Of course you haven't! Black women are smart and they know not to fuck with the fragility of a weave. If that shit falls out, noone's gonna believe their claims that they are 1/19 Cherokee. Black girls patented the "Black Girl Pat" to get rid of that itchiness. And I thank them for it every day, because I stay classy by patting my toto when I'm at work.

Disclaimer: Not a single white person reads my blog.

"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month!

"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month! is the most popular feature on this blog (in Uruguay). Sorry for being such a lazy shit when it comes to bestowing this honor—I can assure it was not for lack of nominees. I mean, off the top of my head we have:

1. Osama bin Laden's 17th wife, Amal Ahmed Abdul Fatah (known as 'Tiny' to her friends and through her graffiti.)
2. Arnold's sidepiece, but I gave that bitch way too much publicity with yesterday's post.
3. Pippa Middleton, sister-in-law to Prince William. (She almost won, but then I found out she's British, which immediately disqualified her. I'm still not speaking to the UK since they flung caca at us in the shape of Russell Brand.)

So without further ado...

"Pube in my Keyboard" of the Month! May 2011 goes to...

Drita MOTHAFUCKIN D'Avanzo, star of VH1's Mob Wives, and most famous Albanian since... well, me.

Here's a picture of her reaction to the win:

Terminator 4: Whathadhappenedwas

I'm always jealous when a latina woman sits next to me on the train wearing her teenage daughter's clothes and eats a slice of garlic bread from the cuban bakery on 231st street at 7am. Now Maria Shriver will suffer that burning envy that stings like Jennifer Lopez perfume in the eye, and aches like chinese sequin slippers pinching on a Puerto Rican flag pedicure, because Arnold's mistress has been revealed. I hereby unveil, Luz Clarita de Eufemia Los Santos Maria Hostos Community College Ecumi Yancy Estanga Altagracia-Schwarzenegger:


Maria, if only your eyebrows were as sharp as your other facial features, you might have been able to keep your man.

Kara DioGuardi's Piranha Jaw Is Not Smiling

Bristol Palin asserts that she underwent "corrective jaw surgery". Don't worry Bristol, I believe you. That eye roll that you see me doing isn't sarcasm—it's caused by the neck fat that I still have hanging from my fucking face.

Either way, congratulations on upgrading your look from Jon Lovitz to Snooki.