Chest Acne in a Pizzeria: Kim Kardashian's Engagement

Last night I was enjoying some pizza with my best friend when he noticed what appeared to be a giant ruby on my cleavage. Shit was a giant pimple/ingrown hair! Because my shirt was too tight for me to button up and conceal, I tried popping it right at the table. Nothing came out and now that shit is so swollen it looks like my hearts coming out of my chest. See where I'm going here? Be patient.

At that very moment, Kris Humphries proposed to Kim Kardashian with a 20.5 carat ring (smaller than my titty pimple). The star of Kim & Moesha's Brother Play With a Brown Boomerang and Keeping Up with Eating Salads and Crying is going to become Kim Hump-frees. Nice work karma. That's the equivalent of me marrying someone whose last name is Eatsklondikebarsintheshower.

In related news, Maria Shriver's saga gets eclipsed as she once again gets screwed by a fat ass housekeeper. (Editor's Note: that's not a pair of sneezing pliers in the top right corner of the magazine cover, it's Maria).