Tina Turner-Soffel...

You'll have to forgive me if my blogging becomes even more sporadic than usual. I think you'll understand once I share with you my latest addiction, the greatest invention since Sour Patch Kids - http://www.myheritage.com.

I won't bother explaining how My Heritage has developed the world's leading face recognition tool or how it was actually created by NASA, using state of the art technology which is incredibly accurate; instead, I'll prove my point the way I always do - with hardcore porn...


[Editor's Note: Ingrid Bergman could not be reached for comment - she's dead. On her behalf, she's honored to be compared to such a hot bitch.]

Victoria's Secret... for kids!

Alright, so I may not be the best mother in the world (although I play one on TV), but I would never dress my kids in anything designed by Charlie Sheen - I don't care how popular garter belts are becoming in kindergarten. Honestly, you'll see my kids rockin' Cheez Whiz and 99 cent store shopping bags before they sport Hot Shots Part Deux bikinis.

Allegedly, Charlie is addicted to kiddie porn (thank Denise Richards for those kudos) and this should really boost sales. Oh, and if that doesn't work, he's still the brother of Academy Award winning actor Emilio Estevez.

In other news, O.J. Simpson is releasing his own line of Mother's Day cards. I know Mother's Day has already passed, but think about how surprised she'll be when you're stabbing her in the throat at 2am.

Miss Vietnamese Leather Lasagna 2006

Ladies & Gentleman, it is my privilege to bestow this honor upon...

America Voted... Ryan Seacrest Bites Pillows

Why are people flipping out over Chris Daughtry getting booted from American Idol? Alright, maybe he was the best contestant recently, but overall he falls second to my Hershey Salami Queen, Mandisa; she was the first to get FEK'd on the show and I didn't hear JACK SHIT about it...

Look at this fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine tootsie roll balloon...

Happy Hump Day

Day 2 of blogging and I already ran out of shit to say...

The point of this post? It's only 8:20am and I've come to two harsh realizations...

1) i am not a mega-millionaire
2) a breakfast consisting of combos & sprite is not as nutritious as it is delicious

Mother's Day...

is right around the corner...

Congratulations to mom's-to-be Tori Spelling, Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears (this is one sequel that might be better than the original)... they truly give new meaning to "Mother Fucker"...

In other news, 7th Heaven is off the air so my blog is about as wholesome as it's gonna get in these parts... stay tuned for my sermons.

Holy Shit...

Just when you thought you would never have one central source of information on wind chimes, Mayim Bialik, staple removers and bologna, I went ahead and created a blog... boo yeah...