How to Make Love Like a Juggernaut - A Cautionary Tale

I hope you bitches are excited - I am going to have A LOT of free time on hands this summer [read: I was fired from my job.] This means you’re going to be getting lots of updates, and they may even offer something more intellectual than the dry corned beef I usually dole out.

I guess I can finally disclose the name of my former employer, but here’s why I won’t. My good friend, Elizabeth [Miss Deli Meat Hair Conditioner 2008], does a daily media report for the company, in which she circulates a list of “honorable mentions” of the company throughout the blogosphere. I don’t want to embarrass her – I love her and she’s already dealing with the loss of her most adored colleague. Send her your condolences via Mona Chaudhuri. Mona is what you get when you throw Hilary from Fresh Prince in a dryer with a bottle of vodka and a prom dress. God love her.

Here’s what I did on Day 1 of Love in a Severance Elevator:

1) Sorted through my denim collection. My mom jeans went to the “Big Brothers, Big Sisters” bin in Hartsdale, NY. I hope they really mean big.
2) Realized too late that I should've also donated the 1000 t-shirts I got from previous employer. Instead, donated them to the teenagers running a car wash down the block. 8/7/07 all up on your muffler.
3) Gifted some iTunes to deserving friends. LB got “Ven, Ven Conmigo”, by the incomparable Joey Lawrence. Whoa.
4) Picked up a pizza pie for lunch with brother and mom. Dude at counter asked if it was to stay or to go. I walked home.
5) Facebook stalked. When they add the “Who’s Viewed Your Profile” application, I’m fucked. Til then, I’ll be microwaving hot dogs and enjoying your Dad & Ann's Wedding photo album.
6) Took apart rusted shower caddy. It was too hard to disassemble, so I threw it on the floor and stormed off in the opposite direction. Your mental image is spot on.