Hennifer No-Pez

When I was a kid I never found any use for Pez dispensers; except maybe putting them in my shirt so I could have pointy titties like Madonna. I used to eat all the candy when trying to load the toy, so it defeated the purpose. That's EXACTLY what Jennifer Lopez does with all her dudes. She eats all their candy, and leaves their giant heads hanging above a soul/candy-less body. I'm pretty sure she's trying to make herself look like Madonna too.

Exhibit A: Ojani Noa
You probably have no idea who he is. My point exactly. Even his name sounds like "I hardly know him," said in a thick Vietnamese accent. So let's move right along to B.

Exhibit B: Cris Judd
I'm convinced she thought Cris was a member of the Judd Family and would have a lot of candy. I mean, Wynona looks like a giant red pinata.  When Jennifer found out that Cris lacked candy the same way Ashley Judd lacks talent, she jumped ship.

Exhibit C: Puff Daddy
Jennifer is from the Bronx, as am I. And Puffy is from Mount Vernon, on the border of the Bronx. Using my powerful reasoning skills, I'm going to deduce that they both shared a love of bodega sundries. Jennifer KNEW that Puffy was full of Now & Laters and Chico Sticks, so she played up her outer-borough boricua mami ancestry and became his arm candy. He was at the peak of his celebrity, and was by her side when she walked the red carpet in the Versace dress that she made famous (coincidentally, it looked like a tye-dye pull'n'peel fruit rollup). One shoot-out in a night club later, and Jennifer filled up her Halloween sack and ditched him.

Exhibit D: Ben Affleck
Most people thought this pair was odd. They couldn't imagine why this A-List actor from Boston, with a squeaky clean reputation in Hollywood, would slum it with Puff Daddy's old sidepiece whose celebrity-candle's flame was starting to extinguish. I have my own theory, and it goes a little something like this: Six Degrees of Candy Shoppe (Time Out. I spelled 'shop' in old English in an effort to lend credibility to my non-scientific reasoning. Time In.) Jennifer starred in a the blockbuster movie, Enough. We all know the true leading lady in that movie, Fat Bad Baby's muse, Juliette Lewis. Juliette banged Brad Pitt years ago (when she rocked cornrows that where thick and delicious, unlike other white chicks who look like they have skull stitches), Brad banged Gwyneth, and Gwyneth humped Ben. Jennifer smelled the A-List love juice residue on Juliette's breath, and got the bright idea to send Ben a Goya care package. 1 giant canary yellow engagement ring for Jen, and 12 mystic tan visits for Ben, and before you knew it, they were over.

Exhibit E: Marc Anthony
Marc Anthony may look like he is candy-less (because he's practically flesh-less), but that's just an optical illusion. Homeboy is very popular in the Latin American community, which we all know, is a powerful force in the entertainment industry. Jennifer's initial rise to stardom was during the Latin explosion of the 90's, and she was the biological token female* in the powerful trio that was Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez and Enrique Iglesias. Jennifer didn't feel secure enough in her identity as hispanic (probably why she plays Italian characters in all of her films), so she spent a large portion of her career experimenting with different cultures; she wasn't black enough with Diddy, and she wasn't successful in re-inventing herself as the new Elizabeth Taylor during her stint with Ben. She finally realized that she needed to take back the Latina crown and get with her own kind. Enter, Marc Anthony. They released a movie, El Cantante (it's in my Netflix queue, right after Glitter), a few spanish-language albums, a pair of twins, and were on the cusp of releasing the first ever joint-clothing line to be sold exclusively at Kohl's when they decided to separate.  Marc's left with bitter fans who view him as a sellout, and a bunch of black gaucho pants that will be on clearance at Kohl's in September, and Jennifer is riding high in her American Idol judge's seat.

What's next for Jenny from the Block? Methinks, labia.