'Friends With Benefits' Premieres this Weekend

I wish I could tell you that I'm not going to go see it. I already picked out the fucking snacks I'm going to inhale while watching it. Gyros. They don't sell those at the movie theater, so I have to smuggle them in via duffel bag. You might think it's ridiculous to go to the movies with a duffel bag, but I think you're ridiculous for thinking I could ever manage to fit 2 gyros in the pocket of my (::cough:: pajama ::cough::) jeans.

Five years ago I would've never had the patience to sit through a movie like Friends With Benefits. Today that's the only type of movie that can grab my attention. I blame online porn. I can't watch anything unless it has hot, half-naked people in it, which a lot of quick-changing scenes. Pre-puberty, I would watch Mad About You. You know what's more attractive than Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt kissing with morning breath? Sitting on a wet toilet seat at work.

Ok, so let's get to the point. The obvious benefit of having a friend with benefits is the casual sex. But since 98% of your friends are ugly, there has to be a long list of other things you can use them for. I decided to compile a list of friends that I want, including all the shit I want from them.

1) Casey Anthony: You know the old adage: A good friend is someone you call when you're in jail, but a BEST friend is someone sitting right next to you in the cell? FUCK THAT. Casey Anthony can bust your ass right out of that jail, with an additional $527 cash in your pocket. And if that wasn't enough, she always has duct tape.

2) Dominique Strauss-Kahn: He's a billionaire. You can hang out on his yacht all day long, if your ass is up for it (pun intended).

3) DJ Tanner: A true friend will tell you when you're fat. A friend-with-benefits has the recipe for frozen water popsicles.

4) Lindsay Lohan: Drugs.

5) The Cast of The Biggest Loser: Having a fat ugly friend makes you feel great about yourself. Now, multiply that feeling by 12.

6) Jesus: You can wear your 2002 "Jesus is my Homeboy" paraphernalia from Urban Outfitters and truly mean it.

7) Marlee Matlin: You are going to win EVERY argument.