Linda Evangelista: Prettier, Richer and Now Smarter Than You

In college I had this recurring nightmare that I took NoDoz instead of birth control and got pregnant during finals week. There's no need to take any tests once you've already failed the only one that matters, so I bypass the classroom and get a pack of Pizza-flavored Combos from the vending machine. I lay on the floor crying, but that shit stops as soon as I remind myself that I never even bought the Econ textbook. Putting things into perspective, I now have the rest of the afternoon free to shop at Mandee's.

Ok, so it was actually a daydream, but that's irrelevant since I have a dick. The point I'm trying to make here is: I will always wind up doing extra work in an effort to avoid doing any work. Pregnancy is a walk in the park in comparison to school work, or any work for that matter. Just ask Linda Evangelista.

Linda is pretty famous for being pretty, but she's probably better known for saying the words I mumble every morning before I finally give up the charade and go to work for 17 cents/hour: "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." She has always dated rich dudes, but there was one that broke the mold (the porcelain mold she keeps her vagina in), François-Henri Pinault, currently known as Mr. Salma Hayek; the father to her 5-year-old son daughter son(?) Augusten. I guess the name "Beat the shit of me on the playground at 3pm" wasn't French enough. I think on the night they conceived, Linda spun her big wheel of Yaz birth control and screamed "Big Money, Big Money, Big Money!", praying it would land on placebo. I was Vanna's stand-in so I just stood there and pressed imaginary squares on the wall, and then the real Pat Sajak informed Linda that it was a prize puzzle; valued at $552,000 a year in child support. This is the face she made when she realized her uterus was filled with cash:

Linda is demanding over $46k a month to cover the costs of vacations, security guards and hiring another mother for Augusten. I have my fingers crossed that this case makes it to the court of one JUDITH SHEINDLIN.