Yo Holmes Smell Ya Later

Because my apartment is more likely to be featured in a police blotter than Architectural Digest it is with deep regret and great disdain that I congratulate my friends Will and 'Stony' Pinkett-Smith on their beautiful home in Malibu getting the cover treatment. It's like someone ripped a page from The Jefferson's script and stapled it into the magazine most likely to leave your dentist's office tucked into your sweater. Except for the fact that Weezy Jefferson, may her soul rest in peace, never had to step over piles of Courtney Love's shit, or swerve to avoid hitting Lindsay Lohan's legs poking out from a manhole in the middle of the street at 4am. Instead Weezy maintained her classy on the Upper East Side; everyone knows Malibu is the rich white man's Cabrini-Green.

Here's how I usually read an article: I read the first sentence, skim the second, skip the third and then just stare at the rest of the page so that people on the train don't realize I'm sleeping and steal my wallet. So based on thorough analysis of the photos, and complete disregard for the copy, here's all you need to know about Will's crib as featured in the magazine:

1) His son Trey is the black Rumer Willis:

2) The Pinkett-Smiths and their home would've fit right in on The Flintstones as the Cocoa-Pebbles.

3) Once they got the stink out of Uncle Phil's sweaters, Jada used them to upholster the 1000 chairs in the sitting room (lest it be known as the shitting room).

On Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, DJ Jazzy Jeff was always thrown from the front of the house onto the lawn by Uncle Phil, and during the opening scene on The Flintstones, Fred was always kicked out of his own house by his brontosaurus pet. I bet when the uber-feminine Jada Pinkett-Smith wants to make sexytimes, her own brontosaurus pet/co-star from Set It Off, Queen 'Barney' Latifah, gives Will(ma) the same treatment.